Plagued by insomnia once again, I am considering seeing a doctor. I need some sleeping pills or I will never do anything productive. It's like I have been sleeping the last days without being anywhere near well rested as I should be. And once again my holidays are going to rush by without me doing anything for uni. Nothing new. I wish I had some sort of switch. Motivation On - Motivation Off. But it seems that my motivation switch is permanently on off.
A friend told me last week about a swinger site she is on. Do I look that "needy" that I would have to register on such a damn site? Probably. She is totally addicted to sex. She changes her partner as often as I change my underwear. (Everyday! ) Anyone who has a craving for sex only has a craving for sex because he/she is not satisfied with the performance of his/her partner. She really should start rearranging her life. With a kid and no job, she is not really the woman she wanted to be as a teenager. I pity her even after she said that she would have to look in her time schedule thingie to see if she had time for me. *rollseyes*
Have been doing nothing much these last days except watching movies and several episodes of "The Big Bang Theory" which is "the" series I am currently hooked on. Why are nerds/geeks so damn sexy?
I have a king-size hangover. My clothes stink like I bathed in cigarette smoke and to top it all one of my damn front teeth is chipped off! (The damage is minimal but still. MY teeth! My teeth!!!) Damn, I really shouldn't go clubbing anymore. And I look like I haven't slept in ages. (The bags under my eyes say it all.) Today's going to be a hell of a night too. After all it's my best friends birthday bash and she's paying for all drinks, so I sure as hell won't resist temptation. The only good think is that the holidays have finally arrived. Yippie Yippie Yeah!
Just got home. Can't think clearly. Kissed a stanger which felt weird. May be a lesbian. Or not. I don't know what I should think anymore. Damn! My life is a total bitch...
Going to postpone the oral Latin exam. I just can't do it today. There are too many thoughts going through my head and I absolutely can't concentrate on anything right now. I am pretty sure, I could get a positive grade but I want a B at least. Guess my ambition is coming back from it's longlasting vacation. That's a good sign, I think. Note to myself: Keep ambition on a leash, don't let it run away again!
New word I learned today: "srewvenir" which is "anything that you keep (whether stolen or given to you) from someone's house after you've slept with them". Thanks to Urban Dictionary I learn something new everyday. But I can't steal anything from anyone. Students don't have anything!
My hair tie once went miraculously missing after my first and only one-night stand. Coincidence maybe or the guy just needed a "screwvenir". I imagine he collects them like stamps and then shows them proudly to his friends. It was red and had hearts on it. RIP hair tie... I still miss you. ;)
If everything works out fine and I manage to scrape enough money together, I am going to spend next summer in Helsinki's summerschool. A friend told me about it yesterday and it seems like a good and even productive thing to do. So it's gonna be attending courses during the day and boozing it up in the night. Hopefully my parents will let me go. It sucks to have such overprotective parents. At least they are letting me out of my cave sometimes. But only sometimes! To get food.
Now to something completely different. I want to watch "Choke". Now! There is still no link on the i-net. I think I am going ballistic. Sam Rockwell is sure as hell gonna rock the movie and Anjelica Huston is just simply a legend. Of course, it helps that the movie is an adaption of Chuck Palahniuk's great novel. I just love his surname. It's so crazy that it's cool again. I have only read "Fight Club" so far but I plan on borrowing his other books form the library sometime soon. Currently I am reading "The Time Traveler's Wife" and so far it has been a great read.
I bought "Catcher in the Rye" on Wednesday. Somebody sold their entire book collection and after writing this person a text message, we met and now I got my own personal copy of this amazing book! I have read it many times before but I always borrowed it from the public library. It's something completely different to have your own copy of a (favourite) book and read it whenever you want or just smell it. Gotta love the smell of books. :-)
There are sooo many books, I want to read. Unfortunately for me, I always lose the piece of paper where I write down which books I want to buy and read. And my memory kinda sucks. I can't even remember what I had for lunch today. Did I even have lunch?
If I ever get a tattoo (not very likely in the near future), it will be something freaky like this:
I totally made myself look like a fool today! (More so than usual.) And no, I didn't fall down any stairs, or run into a pole or put a tampon, while mistaking it for labello, to my lips (shit happens!). I just said to my teacher that she reminded me of a fairy. ( I associate fairies with cuteness and pixie dust.) Total embarassement on my part. She just stared at me with her owl-like eyes (which kind of remind me of Trelawney's) and said something along those lines: "Oh, that's cool...
Suffice to say, the ensuing silence wasn't very "comfortable".
But at least I didn't stumble upon anything while trying to take the fastest escape route. At least a good thing happens to me once in a while. Yeah!
When I was 11 I already knew that I was bi. What I didn't think about was, how to tell it to my homophobic parents. My parents know that I've had a relationship with a girl years before and well, to put it mindly, they were not pleased. They completely freaked out and thought that I would never like men which, of course, isn't true. I like men, and well, women too. My parents are very conservative and they tried to bring me up in the same way their parents did but they completely failed, at least in my opinion. My parents think that I am the nice and naive girl which I used to be in my teens. But the fact is that it doesn't matter how hard I try, I will never ever fulfill their expectations which are pretty high in my opinion. As the eldest of three children it is expected of me to finish my studies in time, to find a nice man and to settle down and have three or more kids. Not very likely. I hate kids. They just rub me the wrong way. Babies are cute when they don't scream. Unfortunately they scream most of the time. I don't even want to think about settling down. I never want to marry. Just the image of having a fairytale- like wedding gives me the creeps.
I wish a woman can also be seen as happy-go-lucky person even if she doesn't marry. Today society still believes that if e.g. a woman at age 40 isn't married or having someone by her side, she is considered to be sad and miserable. I am in my 20s and I am nowhere near miserable, just because I'm single.
Last week I met a former high school colleague of mine and we absolutely had a wonderful evening together. She's one of those girls you can talk about everything, even if you didn't see her for like 7 years. I kind of appreciate that about her. So she's studying in Klagenfurt and majoring in Psychology. Back then I can remember that she wanted to become a kindergarten teacher, but looks like it didn't work out for her. She has a great body by the way, really athlethic. If she weren't already in a relationship, I wouldn't mind making out with her. I am totally the type to fall for blonde-haired girls and she is also a natural blonde on top of that. She seems really happy.
Sometimes I wish other people around me weren't so happy. Maybe then, but only maybe I would'nt feel so deflated all the time. I don't really know what to do with my life. I am studying now and I really enjoy my studies, but still, I think that there is more to life than just studying and getting grades and that stuff. The problem is that I have no fricking idea what else there is. I know I am not the person for long-term relationships, that's way I don't "indulge" in relationships. Or maybe I am just too afraid of being near someone and then getting backstabbed or something ludicrous like that. I have friends and great ones too, but they can't really help me with my own life. My life is just my own and only I can make something out of it. I just wish that I knew what...
